A Mother’s Love

The past year has been an absolute whirlwind for the Flohr family! After getting married we already have 5 moves under our belt (I think I have unpacking the house down to an exact science). We have made incredible friends, and continue to have plenty of adventures.  In May, I moved to Fort Benning, Georgia where Sam had been since February. It was wonderful to be reunited and not having to drive the 3 hours to and from every weekend to see each other.  We finally got settled into our house and had felt like something was missing from our little family of three (Sam, Chinook, and myself).  We were ready to make a big decision; it was time to have a baby. We have wanted to have kids from day one, but we wanted to make sure the timing was right and that everything in our life was somewhat settled.

In Early August, we found out that we were expecting after only trying for three months. We were absolutely ecstatic; it was one of the happiest days of my life! We were so excited and wanted to tell everyone, but decided it would be best to keep it under wraps for a while. At first, we only told our immediate family, but then decided to let everyone share in our joy.

Two days after we found out we were pregnant, a nurse called and told me we were 8 weeks pregnant! I was shocked. We had only been trying for three months which meant, apparently, we became pregnant after the first month.  More or less, I was shocked that I had not realized it earlier. The doctors decided to schedule an ultrasound for the next week, since I was so far along, but we had to act fast. The earlier the ultrasound, the more accurate the due date; we also had to consider that fact that Sam was finishing up his courses, so we might be moving at any time. We were extremely excited to get in early since the hospital was so backed up, and if we had been staying, it would take us over a month to get an actual appointment. 

On the day of our first ultrasound, we could not have been more thrilled. Excited and nervous, we were going to see our baby for the first time and watch its little heartbeat. Ever since we found out we were pregnant, the baby was the only thing I could think about. I already loved this baby with everything I had, and we were finally going to see it for the first time. We went in for our ultrasound and were told that they believed they got the due date wrong and that we were only six weeks along. We were a little nervous, since we had gone in to see a heartbeat and there was absolutely no movement on the screen. The doctor told us not to worry though, they had miscalculated wrong, and sometimes you don’t always see a heartbeat that early. She scheduled some blood tests and scheduled another ultra sound for a week later. Leaving the hospital, we both felt like something heavy was resting upon us…but we said a prayer, and continued to hope for the best.

After going home I tried to relax, I felt like I had been holding my breath the whole time. We decided we would tell the rest of our family but wait to tell the rest of our friends the terrific news. The doctor called back with my results and told us that my levels were rising, but not as high or fast as they should. I immediately felt panicked and began asking questions. The doctor assured me nothing was wrong, and that all pregnancies are different. She said she would see us in a week.

In the meantime, we found out that we would be leaving Fort Benning in less than ten days and heading to Fort Carson, Colorado. Later on the same day, we discovered that our packers were coming within the hour. Panicked, I started running around the house grabbing things we would need for the next month, since we were moving without an address. I was throwing cloths into bags and food into one room, trying to somewhat organized for the movers. They arrived within thirty minutes of course, (the one time the Army decides to be on time, is the day that I’m not ready for it) and packed the majority of our things. At the end of the day, all I could do was laugh at the chaos of the day behind us. We were so excited to get out of the triple-digit-weather and the 100% humidity; Colorado was just around the corner and we couldn’t wait!

After a hectic week of packing and cleaning an empty house, Sam and I were almost ready to leave. It was finally the day of the ultrasound, and just so happened to be the day that we were planning on leaving. The car was packed to the brim, and Sam was getting last minute documents signed to leave. After we finished all of the paperwork, we headed to the hospital. We were excited and nervous once again, but we were going to see the heartbeat today…we were going to see our baby! We were anxious after hearing about the test results, but I had to keep reminding myself that the doctor said that everything was fine. 

The Doctor came in and started the ultrasound. I was holding Sam’s hand staring at the screen praying to see that little heartbeat. My heart sank though when I saw that there was no movement.  The doctor was extremely quiet, and I finally was able to work up the courage to ask if everything was ok…knowing in my heart that it was not. The Doctor, once again, replied that everything was fine. We sat there for about two minutes with her looking for the heartbeat (It seemed like an eternity). She finally shut the machine off, told us that there was no heartbeat, and that we were going to lose the baby. I lost it as tears streamed down my face; the doctor started talking, but I didn’t hear anything she said. What does she mean we are going to lose the baby?  She just said everything was fine! She just looked at us and told us to get to Colorado and see a doctor there…she said she couldn’t determine for sure, but we would most likely lose the baby soon. She was sure to mumble an incredibly insincere and cold apology as she exited. 

My world had just come screeching to a halt. Everything was going perfect, and the suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach and could barely  breathe. I looked at Sam, tears streaming down both of our faces. We didn’t say much at first, we just cried and held each other. After the initial sadness, I felt anger. Anger towards the doctor who assured me everything was fine, anger at God for allowing this to happen. After all of this horrible news, we then had to get in the car and drive two and a half days to Colorado. We called our family and they said not to give up yet…for them, there was still hope that the baby was ok, but deep down I knew they were wrong.  I cried for hours, wondering how this happened and why…why us?.

 I then thought of a painful memory of when my best friend lost her baby a year ago. I remember hearing the news from her and crying, thinking why, why her. One of the most amazing and loving friends I have lost her baby. How is that fair? I remember looking at Sam saying I couldn’t imagine what they were going through and that I hoped we never had to go through that. A year later, here I am, and I am losing my baby.  How can this be happening? Everything was so perfect.  I already loved this baby with everything I had.  How were we going to get through this? On top of this, we were moving to a new place, which is stressful in itself. This was not how our new adventure was supposed to go. 

We arrived in Colorado two and a half days later and immediately began looking for houses. We needed to find a place fast. I put off going to the doctor for over a week, still clinging to the hope that this baby was going to be ok. We finally got into the doctor and he had the same conclusion as the last. We were going to lose our baby. It was like it was happening all over again, the pain, the anger, yet it felt worse. I sat crying, listening to the doctor, hating everything he had to say. He told us there was nothing we could have done to prevent it and that it happens all the time in first pregnancies. How could this be? I have seen tons of healthy first pregnancies. Why is this happening to us? I feel pregnant. I’m sick, I get hot flashes every 15 min, and I can’t stand the smell of anything! Why would I have all of these symptoms if everything else had stopped developing?  Everything was progressing as it would in a regular pregnancy, except we were missing one thing…..a baby. That’s why the doctor said my levels were fine; my body had done everything it was supposed to, yet the fetus had never attached. The grief caved in on me. We were heart broken.

The next week we just waited, and on September 5^th, we lost our baby at 11 weeks. The initial due date was right, but the baby stopped developing at week 6, so it looked like the dates were off.  It was a day that everyone was celebrating…. Labor Day, and I was sitting in a hotel room crying in pain, and filled with grief. It was happening, and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my amazing husband, family and best friend who talked me through it. I felt empty and numb. It may seem crazy for someone to love with such intensity, a little baby that never even fully developed, but I did. Unless you’re in that situation and you understand the love between an unborn baby and its mother, you may never know. I couldn’t understand why this had happened to us. A loving couple who had planned and wanted this baby with everything they had. Finally, I had to come to terms with the troubling truth that we had lost our baby and nothing could change it…..

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

I cried for days after losing my baby, and eventually, my anger at God subsided.  For whatever reason, my baby was in Heaven instead of with us. As hard this was to deal with, I had to accept it. The next month was the hardest month of my life. We moved into our house and my mother flew out that day to be with us. It was nice to have my mother here; no matter how old you get, when something horrible happens, all you want is your mom. The week she was here, I was able to keep my mind off of the pain, preoccupying my time with getting the house organized. But then she had to go home, the house was done and my husband had to start work. I was left alone to think…No one can prepare you for a miscarriage. I felt like a failure as a wife, and as a mother. I know there was nothing we could have done, and I did everything you are supposed to do, but it didn’t make a difference that my baby was gone.  I spent days crying on the couch thinking about our baby. I would lay down at night and just start to cry. My poor husband, who was going through the same emotions, had to take care of me, a human train-wreck.  I have found that it hasn’t become any easier and it is something that will stay with me forever. I will always love and grieve for this baby. Some days will just be better than others. 

I have days where I am mad at other women who get pregnant by accident, and it seems like every day someone else is pregnant. I found myself becoming jealous of other women who have a beautiful growing belly, for mine has gone away. I feel like pregnant women are attracted to me, like a magnet, and I see them everywhere I go. My life has changed for forever. I will carry my baby in my heart for eternity. People take so many things for granted in life. A baby is such a blessing, regardless of the circumstance. 

When my mother was in town, she gave me the book titled “Heaven is for real,” by Todd Burpo. The book is about a little boy who becomes ill and makes a trip to heaven.  It talks about a miscarriage his mother had, and that on his trip, he was able to spend time with the sister he never met. The book brought me comfort; I know my baby is Heaven, and I know I will hold him or her someday. We have a long path ahead of us. We are still dealing with our loss, but it will get better. I felt the need to share, because holding it in and hiding it from the rest of the world just didn’t seem right. It happened and nothing was going to change that. I have a wonderful support system, and an amazing best friend who has gone through the same experience. I don’t know how I would get through it without the amazing people I have in my life. I know this is extremely personal, but I felt the need to write this to help me cope, to let other women know that they’re not alone. There is someone out there who understands. I never would have thought that I would share something so personal with so many people, and some people may think it odd or strange, but this is something that I need the world to know. I hope my experience can help someone else someday.

I also wanted to share a beautiful song my best friend wrote after losing her baby. It brought comfort to me and I know it would to anyone else who has lost a baby. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h10mQHsXdhU